I hate it when I feel that stupid pointless emotion.

I tried to convince myself a while ago that it’s okay. That I’m not feeling any remorse about the whole thing. It’s okay. At least you get to stay home and not have to make awkward friendships that won’t last long anyway. It’s okay. So you missed another “opportunity” to be with…forget it. That’s a stupid motivation. But then they’ll be gushing about it the next time you see each other and you’ll be left out. Again. So what else is new? You’ve lived your whole life apart from them anyway. What made you think things will suddenly change?

But it’s not okay.

And the fact that I’m blogging about this stupid pointless emotion makes me feel a lot more stupid.

I hate it when that happens.

About two years ago, my friend Jenn, & I went to this classroom so she could talk to her cousin. Then my crush passed by. Jenn said hello to him cause they know each other. Sadly, we don’t. I didn’t realize I was staring at his back as he walked away until Jenn went all:

“DUDE. I’ve been standing here for five seconds looking at you look at him. HAHAHAHHA.”

And then just last night, my current “crush” arrived late. He leaned over a car’s hood and listened to the leader talking about something.

I had no idea I had been staring at him either until Madel went all,

“Hoy Hazel. Tunaw na e!”

I actually looked back at him to check if he’s already a puddle or something.

cacophoniesandlullabies:

Today was supposed to be Mcdo/movie day with Patricia. We planned it a few days back that we’d go to the newly refurbished Mcdo together and invite a few people to gala afterwards. I really needed a good day out and it seemed like a good idea to meet up with her since I haven’t seen her…

Hey. Didn’t you think it was weird that we also saw Pam & Leica besides Roma & Angelica? Hahaha. =))) Mcdonald’s will always be that place. Where people stumble upon each other and stuffs. 

There are certain moments in life when plans go down the drain because of one small slip.

And sometimes they’re literal. I literally slipped and went home with only one slipper. 

My friend and I were supposed to go the City Jail.

We were in our usual 6pm stroll at the community park and she was in this euphoric state of being where all she could talk about was how great it felt to finally be able to talk to him. Him being the guy she’s so head over heels in love with. She wouldn’t say it out loud though. But gestures speak so loud I couldn’t cover my ears fast enough. She told me nothing changed between them. He was still charming and sweet, asking her if she already ate when she’s not the one who’s behind bars. 

There’s this little devil inside me that wants to wipe away that blissful smile off her face. But only because I want her to face reality again. So I asked, “Did you ask him if he did it? Did he really kill that woman?”

It didn’t work though. She said she didn’t need to ask that. It was clear he didn’t do it. And then she went on her story. I could tell from her prolific knee slapping that she was happy during that one hour she sat on the floor talking to a suspect of murder.

It was time to ask the inevitable.

“Can you imagine what life would be like for you two once he gets out of jail?”

She gave me a weak shrug. “Technically, we’re just close friends.”

“Yeah. But you love him and he’s in love with you. There’s that thin line of friendship.”

“I guess we’d end up together anyway.”

“Can you imagine then? There’s always people running after him. If you enter a serious relationship with him, you’ll be hoisting a gun under your chin.”

And..well. It worked. She was suddenly very sad. 

The following day, things went a little different. She suddenly had this brilliant idea of me visiting the jail with her the next day. Her happiness was contagious. I tried to tell her I was only curious about how the guy looks like. I know he’s freakin rich, drives a sports car and is absolutely charming. But is he worth my friend’s beauty? 

“Hazel. He’s fuckin ugly. I’m telling you.”

“What? I remember you telling me some time ago that he’s passable. He’s tall and dark. And okay-looking. Why the sudden honesty? Is it because you’re preparing me for the worst?”

“He’s ugly. Really.”

“Well then. You just admitted you’re in love with an ugly dude.”

“I don’t understand it either. I mean, yeah, sure all my exes are good-looking but…”

“But?”

“When I’m with him, I only see his personality. Not his face. Not his height. Not his past. Just him.”

Suddenly I was the shallow person with the jaundiced eye. 

So prison meet-up it is.

Unfortunately, like I said, I broke my slipper. And my Mom took me to the mall to buy  a new one. Plus anything else I might need for the start of a new school year.

All the while, I wished I was in the City Jail. Not in it like a prisoner.

But to visit the guy who proved that there are still guys out there whose personality alone can make you fall head over heels in love no matter how detrimental and vain you are. Even if he did have a complicated past that got him stuck behind bars.

Who said love stories are perfect?

(Source: thatcrazyrockstar)

No I won’t say a name and no I won’t ruin anyone here. I won’t get down to the specifics but I don’t want to sound too vague.

This is the story of a girl who fell in love with the printed word and spent her weekends inside her room, reading. It’s just a simple account of how she missed everything else while she memorized biological terms and solved numerous Math problems. She found contentment in fictional characters and experience in her studies.

She forgot how things used to be when she would laugh along with her neighbor and hang-around the flirtatious tennis player who then moved away to another apartment. She forgot to keep count of the guys her neighbor would get a crush on.She forgot how fun it was to cross the street and do a vertical on her neighbor’s wall simultaneously with her. She forgot that life outside her room still goes on even when there’s a big test the next day. 

Yes, I dare say, and sometimes I feel stupid for crying over something or feeling sad over that just a few months ago.

He said he was sorry. He was sorry because he wasn’t thinking. He had no idea. 

Yeah. Right. 

I’m pretty sure you still have “the” idea. Yet you’re still sending those messages. Sometimes I want to block every group message that I receive. I mean, yeah, sure. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, I was your matchmaker and…well…you’re matched. But I don’t like it when I receive group messages from someone I used to have a thing for about how awesome their monthsary was and how she’s the love of his life and all that crap.

The love of your life.

I’m so glad you’ve finally got her. Really, I am. 

It’s just sad how there’s always some girl who’s staring after the happy couple running to oblivion with their hearts soaring up in the air.

It sucks that most stories are like that. Don’t you ever wonder what happens to the girl who moves on anyway? Don’t you ever wonder where those broken hearts go?

Is there even a place for them?

Feelings change through time they say. But the memories will always remain. You can laugh at them, you can cry over them. But they’ll never happen again.

You’re every romantic’s nightmare. I’m very much aware of that. You used to be in a fraternity. You’re good-looking and you know it. And you just broke up with your girlfriend the other day and you’re already hitting on me. You won’t even tell me how many girlfriends you’ve had. You claim not to have known my name until the last day when it truth you’ve known it the very minute we caught each other’s eyes across the floor of our opposing teams. You knew my name when you rode our car and I made a quiet joke. But you were always clutching your phone and you were always texting someone, especially that night of the campfire thing. And now you’re flirting with me and we both know it.  I honestly don’t know what’s wrong with me, to tell the truth. I’m pretty sure you don’t know either what’s wrong with you. 

But let’s not rush things. You’re only a year older than I and I’m just fifteen years old. We’re teenagers and we’re as foolish as we can get.

Yet we always think we’re so wise and experienced that’s why keep on making the same mistakes over and over again without noticing how ridiculous we look.

And no. I don’t have feelings for you. Nor do I think I ever will have any. Here’s the catch: I want to learn without “enrolling” in anything.

• Daddy: Nako, Hazel. Malapit na pala ang pasukan. Magcocollege ka na. Pano ba yan? Sa UP ka pa naman. Baka mamaya mahiyain ka ha. Bawal ang mahiyain. Saka dapat maalam ka na na mag-isa. Wag mo pababayaan pag-aaral mo ha. Mabait ka namang bata.
• Ako: Hindi, Daddy. Gabi ako lagi uuwi sa dorm tapos lagi ako maglalasing. Magyoyosi na din. Tapos paguwi ko dito, may boyfriend na ako. Tapos hihinigi ako sa inyo ng maraming pera. Tapos papabayaan ko na pag-aaral ko.
• Daddy: (tawa ng tawa) Tapos ang kapatid mo daw naging Architect. Lalapit ka sakanya, hihingi ng pera pambili ng gatas.
• Ako: Gatas? May anak na ako?
• Daddy: Nagasawa ka daw ng maaga e.
• Ako: HAHAHA. Nako. Nakakatakot na ang mga nagaganap.
• Daddy: Di naman mangyayari yun sayo kahit kelan, alam ko.

I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t. There was something about doing something I’ve done before but didn’t end up too well that makes me feel foolish. Once is enough, they say. Twice is stupidity.

Guy: May tumawag lang. 

Me: Gf mo?

Guy: Wala akong gf. Nagbreak na kami.

Me: True love waits. Haha. Pero pwede pa din naman magdate di ba?

Guy: What do you mean?

Me: Date? Di mo alam ang date?

Guy: Ano? Magddate tayo? Ang gulat ko naman sa’yo.

Me: Grabe. Wala ako sinabe. Hinde a.

————

It has happened before. The flirt and the goody-goody. The badass and the “angel”. (Chokes my own words)

That guy’s way too assuming for his own good. I wished I never dropped the hint I thought he was good-looking. 

And now I’m doing the same process. The process of flirting seemingly with no “strings” attached yet…and then when the conversation becomes:

Guy: May bf ka ba?

Me: Wala.

Guy: Pwede mag-apply?

Me: Hindi e.

Guy: Bakit hindi?

Me: Hindi ako nagpapaloko e.

Guy: Mukha ba akong manloloko? Hindi ako ganun.

Me: Sorry if I judged you. Can we be friends?

There’s the so-called “friendzone”. I honestly think people misinterpret it for a totally different thing. Girls do that not because they don’t like you guys. They do it because they want to get to know you better without the constant pressure of knowing you’re into her. 

(If I were a guy and a girl “friendzoned” me, I’d totally take advantage of it and spend every freakin minute of the day with her and go all, “Friends hang around all the time so don’t complain.” And then wait for her to fall for me.)

Anyway, I don’t want to do this anymore. 

But he’s cute. And it’s hard to resist.

:|

Souvenir promise. ;)

          For the last five days I’ve gone MIA, this was what I have been up to. Missionaries from different parts of the country and two from Australia came to our church and asked a few of the young members to attend this week long discipleship training. A camp of some sort. :) 

Poor resolution. (sad face) What can I expect from a celphone camera, huh.

.

That’s Ate Liz and me. Too bad the picture is kind of blurred. She’s really sweet and kind. But the one conversation I won’t forget? It’s this (I cut it short):

Me: Liz, do you know what a hopeless romantic is?

Liz: Hopeless romantic? I think that’s someone who’s desperately trying to get into

a relationship but fails miserably.

Me: Well, I think that’s what I am.

Liz: You are? What do you mean?

Me: Everyone’s going in front, asking you guys to pray for them. They’ve all got this problem with their girl or boyfriends. And stuffs like that. And then I’m just sitting there wondering why I don’t have any problem with our topic “relationship”. I realized that’s exactly the problem. I’m a hopeless romantic.

Liz: Don’t say you’re anything but hopeful. You’re not hopeless. In God’s name, you’re not hopeless at all.

Me: (chokes up) But sometimes I just feel alone. Like everyone’s got this someone. Everyone’s happy. And in love. I don’t mean to be prude or anything, but because I read too much romance and watch too much chick flicks, every guy that comes along my life is overflowing with flaws.

Liz: Hazel, you don’t have to feel alone, okay? God wouldn’t want that. Don’t mind other people. So what if they’re in a relationship? Just keep in mind that God has the perfect guy for you. He has already named him. He’s somewhere in the future and he’s waiting to meet you. Never  settle for second best. Remember that.

Me: (nods)

Liz: You’re not hopeless, okay? Say it with me.

Me: (laughs) I’m not hopeless.

Liz: You’re not a hopeless romantic.

Me: I’m not a hopeless romantic. Just a romantic. 

Then we hugged each other. But before I walked away…

Liz: And hazel?

Me: Yes?

Liz: Chick flicks are good.

^ That one’s the picture of the bonfire on our last night there. There’s no marshmallow or anything. XD Just coffee and bread. Ate Sheila asked us to write in a small piece of  paper all the sins we want to forget. We were to burn it in the flames and to never go back to them. Someone picked up the guitar and soon we were all singing praise and worships songs for God. 

And this? It’s a fail. HAHA. I think that guy’s kind of hot. But I’m not crushing on him or anything. I feel weird crushing on someone from my own church. It’s like crushing on a brother. o.O I just like the way he looks. Although this picture makes him look like crap. -.- Hahahahahaha. Yeap. The one on the guitar.

This is Rozel. I like this girl. During the break, I sometimes teach her and her friend Mariel how to sing and play the guitar. She’s like 10 years old but she’s cooler than any kid I’ve ever known. You know how kids can be annoying sometimes? Well she’s not. Her jokes are cool. Not eye-roll worthy at all. :)

Wanna know what she said after she saw this picture?

“Haha! Ang sama ng itsura natin!”

Me: “Oo nga. Yaan mo na.”

…..

This is just a very short summary of my week. I wrote the “gory” details on paper and stored some in my mind. 

But there’s just one important thing I need to say.

 I love God. 

 And if I my life had been a tad bit different, I would have

asked for 4,000 pesos and went to the Discipleship Training School. I want to go to other cities, provinces and countries.  I want to change people’s lives. I want everyone in the world to know and love Him. 

But then there’s college. And then there’s everything else. I realized my life will be back to normal once again. But I will never forget about this week. 

Someday, I will be a missionary living by faith too. 

• Him: Dude.
• Me: Hey.
• Him: Para akong...tae kanina.
• Me: Baket?
• Him: Kinakausap mo ako wala naman ako sinabe.
• Me: Ah. Haha. Ayus lang. Ganun ka naman sadya e.
• Him: Aw. :(( Nasagot mo na ba yung pm?
• Me: Oo. Sabi ko hindi dahil andun lang naman ako sa movie booth.
• Him: Pwede dito ko na lang sabihin?
• Me: Sure.
• Him: Pwede sumakay tayo sa ferris wheel sa fair? Para naman makabawi ako sayo.
• Me: Sure! :)
• Him: Talaga, payag ka?
• Me: Uh...yeah?
• Him: Libre ko.
• Me: GAME!
• *highschool oh highschool*

• Daddy: May barya ka ba?
• Me: Wala akong pera.
• Daddy: *hands me money* Yan. May pera ka na.
• Me: o.O (wtf face)

• Kapatid ko: Sa school mo din ako mag-cocollege.
• Ako: WAG!
• Kapatid ko: Baket naman hindi?
• Ako: Ayoko nga may kapatid. Baka magsumbong ka.
• Kapatid ko: Baket? Anu pag gagawin mo dun na kasumbong-sumbong? Paninigarilyo?
• Ako: Ew. Hinde. Pano kung gusto ko maglasing ha? OH!
• Kapatid ko: SO? E di maglalasing din ako. Walang basagan ng trip!
• Ako: Sige! Bahala ka!
• Kapatid ko: Oh sure!

we think too much when we’re alone. 

Some old conversations ring in your ears. The whispered criticisms and insults seem louder than what they had been. The empty space beside you in your bed seem as endless as the abyss in your dreams.

And just like that, you’re sitting up on the edge of your bed, crying softly—afraid people from the other room will hear you and ask you what’s wrong.

The worst part is you don’t know the answer either. It’s like you’re a living emotional wreck and no one must ever know that side of you.